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40 Lawyer Jokes. Punch Lines ONLY.

[2021 update] Jokes are a good way to help deal with stress, and the pandemic has certainly increased everyone’s stress. A lawyer mentioned a light-hearted comment that had been circulating around his firm last year regarding the changes to everyone’s work attire–basically, “It’s time to change from my work pajamas into my bedtime pajamas.” My wife and I were talking to a friend of ours, Manny Oliveira, a hilarious comedian, and he casually dropped into conversation a punch line we all knew.  He didn’t need to tell the joke because we recognized it immediately.  It got me thinking – we’ve heard countless lawyer jokes over the years. We know all the punch lines. I thought it might be fun to collect them.

Here are the punch lines from 40 of the most famous lawyer jokes.

How many of the jokes do you know? Most of them, I’ll bet…

  1. Not enough
  2. His lips move.
  3. A good start.
  4. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
  5. A great one knows the judge.
  6. A rooster clucks defiance.
  7. An offer you can’t understand.
  8. New Jersey got first pick.
  9. About three pounds, including the urn.
  10. Nobody else thinks they’re jokes
  11. There are some things a rat just won’t do.
  12. One is an ugly, scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and the other is a fish.
  13. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
  14. God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
  15. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.
  16. Jewelry.
  17.  Who cares?
  18. My Rolex!
  19. Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?
  20. They’re all at the funeral.
  21. No, we came to make sure he was dead.
  22. I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.
  23. Professional courtesy.
  24. Skeet.
  25. Vultures can’t take their wing tips off.
  26. You can negotiate with terrorists.
  27. Their personalities.
  28. Cut the rope.
  29. The other’s a fish.
  30. A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
  31. You cry when you cut up an onion.
  32. He gets taller.
  33. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
  34. Redundant.
  35. The bucket.
  36. Dobermans.
  37. The prostitute quits after you’re dead.
  38. It might be your bicycle.
  39. Sure, after the police leave.
  40. The other decides to go straight.


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