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40 Lawyer Jokes. Punch Lines ONLY.

[2017 update] My wife and I were talking to a friend of ours, Manny Oliveira, a hilarious professional comedian, and he dropped into conversation a punch line we all knew.  He didn’t need to tell the joke because we recognized it immediately.  It got me thinking – we’ve all heard the lawyer jokes, mostly playing off of negative stereotypes, obviously.

Below are the punch lines from 40 lawyer jokes.

How many do you know? Most of them, I’ll bet…

  1. Not enough
  2. His lips move.
  3. A good start.
  4. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
  5. A great one knows the judge.
  6. A rooster clucks defiance.
  7. An offer you can’t understand.
  8. New Jersey got first pick.
  9. About three pounds, including the urn.
  10. Nobody else thinks they’re jokes
  11. There are some things a rat just won’t do.
  12. One is an ugly, scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and the other is a fish.
  13. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
  14. God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
  15. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.
  16. Jewelry.
  17.  Who cares?
  18. My Rolex!
  19. Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?
  20. They’re all at the funeral.
  21. No, we came to make sure he was dead.
  22. I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.
  23. Professional courtesy.
  24. Skeet.
  25. Vultures can’t take their wing tips off.
  26. You can negotiate with terrorists.
  27. Their personalities.
  28. Cut the rope.
  29. The other’s a fish.
  30. A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
  31. You cry when you cut up an onion.
  32. He gets taller.
  33. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
  34. Redundant.
  35. The bucket.
  36. Dobermans.
  37. The prostitute quits after you’re dead.
  38. It might be your bicycle.
  39. Sure, after the police leave.
  40. The other decides to go straight.

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